i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
