God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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