I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Randomize
