fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
