so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
