If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
be right there i have to get my cape
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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