apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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