Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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