Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
