also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
