threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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