nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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