I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
