when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
