Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
