I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just want to make out with him forever
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
