apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
