Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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