I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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