i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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