are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize