Someone shit on the floor
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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