i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
