Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
