the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
