Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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