Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I will be naked everywhere
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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