a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
