So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
