can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
