god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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