Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Farmville is her only friend.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
