So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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