Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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