She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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