hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
