And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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