dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Come on in and take your pants off
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