So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
