Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
