Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
