So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
