hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
