Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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