They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
