Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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