You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
