Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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