I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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