If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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