as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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