what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
