Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
