just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I need to sanitize my soul.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize