Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
