i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
