i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
