there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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