I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
